News, Thoughts And Broadcasts

Lesson on Worrying

2012-01-14T21:06:00.007+08:00

"Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" Luke 12:24-26

Funny how worrying can get you into trouble--I lost my purse yesterday night.

The semester has just started. It is to be my last semester in NUS, and I have a lot on my mind: a university transcript that needs some serious polishing, and a compulsory module for my History Minor which I could not read due to a clash in lecture slot with my physics module, and the heaviest question: What is next?

But there were other more pressing matters that troubled me: among others an expiring passport, a dwindling number on the bank statement, some bills to be paid (yes I have bills). You could hardly blame me for being distracted.

On top of that, I was tired. I had just finished a long day of worrying and 3 hours of band practice for Sunday worship. Some company and an ice-cream before turning-in sounded great. So my friend and I went to the store at a petrol station near the church for my ice-cream, and then we chatted all the way from the church through the short bus ride and back to residential hall on campus were I call home. I was feeling rather cheerful by then, even chatted to the office lady who stayed back late to finish up, and offered a candy to the friendly security guard.

That was when I realise something was missing. Being usually a...how do you put it...care-free kind of girl (I'm contradicting myself, I know), I could be quite careless. An hour of searching and retracing my steps did not produce my big red purse. I was too frustrated to carry on looking. I cried a little, and then made a mental note that worrying did no good. I watched some TV, surfed some facebook, laughed a little, and went to sleep.

But that wasn't the end of my story.

I woke up this morning thinking "breakfast". So I dragged my reluctant piece of art out of bed and dragged my feet to where breakfast was served. The sight of friends cheered me up, and I whispered a prayer of thanks. Thank you Lord that the only things important in my purse were my Student Pass and ATM card. Thank You Lord that I still had my ticket to go home for Chinese New Year. Thank You Lord that I did not need cash for breakfast in hall. Thank You Lord that my morning was free to go lodge a Police report for my missing student pass.

The officer at the police post was really friendly. It took a half hour of pleasant time and casual conversation to obtain the police report I needed to get my Student Pass (and subsequently, my passport) replaced. Thank You Lord.

And then came my favourite agenda for the day--recreational softball with the Angmos at the NUS field. My softball captain Jamil was the one who always join their games on Saturday afternoons, and today I was finaly free to join him at it for the second time.

The Angmos are some of the friendliest strangers you could encounter. They make it easy for you to feel at home with them. No one plays ball too badly there, you either are a pro, or a pro-in-the-making, no matter how long the latter status sticks to you.

So when it was my turn to bat, I hit, and I ran, (at the catcher's instructions, who was technically on my team due to shortage of players =) Really cool to have a base coach on home plate. No seriously.) and ran, and ran my heart out, just to hear a 'thud' of the ball hitting the first baseman's glove as I put a foot on the line where the non-existant base should be. Shit, I thought, and pouted. But then the catcher shouted, "He dropped the ball! He dropped the ball!" I thought he was joking, but the fielders did all sorts of things in agreement and I was given my base. How cute, they were cutting me some slack =).

I parked comfortably on first base while the next batter got ready. That's when the first fielder, a tall man in his middle ages, a belly and some (wise looking =p)gray hair turned to me and said,

"Hi, I didn't get your name."

"Jerusha." (smile)

"Jerusha? Someone named Jerusha emailed me earlier this week."

"Oh really? Wow! So there's more than one Jerusha in NUS!" (my light bulb must have short circuited)

"Appearantly. That Jerusha asked for a webcast on my module so she could complete her History Minor or something; I was mean and I said no."

(Light bulb came on)
"That's me!" (Whoa, this is creeeeeping me out!)

"That's you? (I nodded) Really? (I nodded) I'm that prof teaching HY11101E."

"You are!" (I meant, YOU ARE???!!!)

Just then the ball flew off the batter's high into the outfield. I was hesistant to run, partly due to training, and partly still thinking of a response to the Prof I've just been so abruptly introduced to.

The ball missed the outfielder and hit the ground.

"Run!" I heard someone shout, so I ran. The ball was still not back in the infield when I reached second base so I ran some more. The shock finally hit me about the time I reached third base. Could this really be happening?

"Hey Chris!" Prof shouted across the field to the left fielder, "Ask Jerusha how I was mean to her!"

Iblurtedoutastringofwords in reply, and paused to catch my breath.

"What does that mean?" Chris didn't get me, surprise, surprise.

"She needed my module webcasted because of a lecture clash with her core module, I was mean and said no."

"That's very Tim," Chris commented. "Maybe you should consider letting her pass the module in exchange for her coming every Saturday for games."

Everyone laughed.
I was hoping that he could be serious, after all they were often shorthanded. At the same time I felt like I was wathcing a movie, unreal. I couldn't wipe the huge gapping smile off my face.

"Hey we should talk after this," Prof gestured to me from across the field.

I jumped and called him bluff yet he really was serious about talking, so I whooped like a kid who got her hand in the candy jar, and behaved as such until the end of the game.

Then we talked, and a deal was closed. I get to read my module both missing some lectures and without the webcast. Bottom line, I'm on to business. It happened so unexpectedly it was like getting a present when it was neither your birthday nor Christmas nor New Year. It was an answered prayer, a miracle dropped right out of the sky.

Funny how worrying can get you into trouble. Funnier how God solves your real troubles when you're not worrying at all!

Softball Injury

2010-10-25T23:46:00.003+08:00

The ball hit squarely on my throat. Hurts like mad, but I could still breathe, so the pain is not what bothers me...what bothers me is the damage it might do to my voice. My joy in singing, unspectacular as my voice may be, is a gift I am not ready to loose. Tonight was a close call...it hurts only slightly if I talk. If the ball had hit any higher, it would have hit my larynx head on. I still worry a little, but I'm confident the LORD will let me keep the gift for longer =)

Dear LORD, I pray for protection, and guidance.

Lost and Found: My Phone

2010-10-20T22:47:00.002+08:00

Had a long day today, started at 5am, last event of the eventful day was worship practice at church, ended at about 10pm.

By then I was tired, and there were 8 messages on my phone demanding my attention. While we were preparing to leave, I was distracted, trying to reply solutions to all the problems posted to me in the messages.

4 of us took the bus home. I was the first to alight. We said our goodbyes while I tap my EZ-link card to pay my bus-fare on the way out. In one hand was my phone with a half-texted message in it, wrapped in the song sheets I was using during worship practice, and my small handbag. On the other was my purse containing my EZ-link card, and with a quick wave to my friends with my EZ-link-card-hand, I got off the bus in a hurry (the bus captain was in a even greater hurry). That was when I hear a thud. The doors close and the bus drove off.

I continued to text my message...wait, where did my phone go? I was clutching paper and nothing else. NOTHING ELSE!??

I can't believe myself. That thud must have been my phone.

By now I should have panicked. But it was total calm. Very very peaceful. I knew that peace.

Ask my closest friends and family, they will tell you I'm the biggest prawn head, most careless, naive and happy-go-lucky girl they know. They would be right.
I had in the recent months misplaced my purse, my library books, my favorite shoes, my I-can't-remember-how-many-more-stuff before, and many of those were cases worth panicking over. YOU would be right to ask "haven't she learnt her lesson?" But let me say that over all these experience I have learnt one thing if nothing else--if i have peace when I first notice something missing, I will be getting it back and soon. If I panicked it would mean I would have to suffer the permanent lost of my treasured possession.

As I watch the bus drove off, I had peace, I peace that I did not understand but recognize well...it always reminds me of God.

I had no way of contacting my friends on board the bus, so all i could do was to first get back to hall.

I had good hopes that my friends might have notice it and picked it up. Perhaps that was where the peace came from. The walk form the bus stop to hall and my room normally takes 10-15mins. On the way I met Mitchell, whom I first told the incident to, in a rather casual way. "You look calm," was his amused comment. "I'll panic when all hope is lost," came my reply.

Next person I told was HuiShan, my neighbor. She offered me her phone and I dialed my number on it. If my friends picked it up they would have answered it by now. They didn't. This is good time to loose my calm. I became agitated, but the peace was still there.

Think fast. I buzzed Shumay on MSN for my the numbers of my friends on board the bus, hoping i could catch them before they alight. She didn't reply.

Why hadn't I thought of Ruth?

She stays just a few doors away from me. I knew she has Shumay's number. Her door was wide open but she wasn't there. Her phone was on the table. I grabbed it and went through her contacts list one by one until I found Shumay's entry under "N-Shumay"...WHY "N" ?? It felt like an hour passed as I was looking for Shumay's number. I dialed. She picked up. "Will you call Jeremy for me?" The optimum would be that Jeremy has it cos i'll meet him in school. Why would I think the optimum would happen? Call me a spoiled child =)) Ruth came back, amused that I'm in her room, on her chair, using her phone as if they are all mine. She is the only one here I dare do that to without prior permission =) The wait for news from her was excruciating. Shumay called with negative news. I was lying on Ruth's floor by now, letting self-pity take the better of me.
Shumay called again. Weijia has my phone, she caught him just in time before he alighted from the bus. AFTER ALL THE TIME I HAD LOST, SHE CAUGHT HIM IN TIME.
I made noises of relief. I suppose those noises would had been sobs of relieve had I have tears, but the tears did not had enough time to develop--I had too much of that peace. If you name the 5 stages of grieve, you can say I never had the chance to move out of denial. haha

I have come to know that peace as God's promise that He will, in all His grace and mercy, spare me from well-deserved heartache and trouble. It was with that same peace that I found my purse, my library books, my student card. It was the same peace that led me say..."the rain will stop before the next game" during IHG.

Today I must say, LORD, you are so so so so so so GOOD. And I thank You!!

Conveniently enough, I have settled most of all I wanted to do with my phone before I dropped it, so now i shouldn't be bothered of not having it till Friday, when i meet WeiJia in CG. Can't wait to share this thanksgiving item with the CG in greater detail.^^

This entry makes for a lousy discussion, I'm too worn out to make it an art piece. But I do hope you would consider the rough draft I drew here for you, and still come to the conclusion that I did having know all the details of this entire incident--that the LORD is SO GOOD, His ways are above our ways, He's pleasure is sweet, and His mercies endures forever.

Now i will get some sleep, and in the morning I can recount my blessings with even more intensity =).

In Memory of My Nameless Goat Kid

2010-06-08T19:51:00.003+08:00

It died on me. After all the nursing and all the hoping, it died on me.

It's mother stopped producing milk too early. It does not recognise the bottle, and it obviously do not survive well on solid food alone..it did not survive at all. My dad is away from home, and in a twist of events I became it's care taker. My mom didn't think it will survive for long, but it didn't seem like a dying kid to me. Yeah it became too weak to walk, but it sure didn't act sick. Its bleat was so loud you could hear it above all the other goats. This morning it could bearly sit up yet it ate. It ate like a strong bull and wagged it's tail, like when a kid drinks it's mother's milk.

It's timid mother ran away at full speed at my slightest move, yet was interested in the feed in my hand, more interested in the feed than in its dead kid. Doesn't suprise me, it left the kid alone in a dent in the ground two days ago. I found the kid, thanks to its mighty bleating, and carried it home. It was too weak to get out of the shallow dent itself, yet when I help it up it walked. I fed it with specially prepared feed...feed soaked in milk. I also fed it tapioca leafs, the goats love it. It had begun to get up walk on its own again. Now I held the feed in my hand, and I just...stood. It had stopped bleating.

Did I feed it too little when it was healthier? Did I feed it too much when it was weak?

I'd miss it simply because I miss admiring it's courage...my little bleating, nameless goat kid.

The Inter-Hall Games Epilogue

2010-05-03T23:43:00.006+08:00

6 weeks of games...to be exact, a 38 days period excluding 3 days without games in between...6 weeks and not for one game did the weather the went wrong.

It was January and February, smack in the middle of the monsoon season. We were on a tight timeline and do not wish whatsoever to activate wet weather plans and postponements. And so we prayed, my co-vice and I.

By the end of the first week I knew deep down that the LORD intends to answer our prayers all the way. We prayed for no rain, and God gave us sun. On days that is rained, it stoped before the games would start. On the days that it poured, those were the days when there were either no outdoor games scheduled, or no games at all; it was as if it pour to clear the skies for a sunny day tomorrow. The entire Singapore island could be under a thunderstorm (so says the weather nowcast), and all NUS would get was a huge black cloud, a wind and a few sad droplets of rain, and the games would go on.

For 16 sports and all their games, not one had to be posponed due to bad weather conditions. I am telling you this with all confidence because we kept watch, we watched and we prayed; and all through those 38 gruesome, stressful, tiring, and emotionally draining days of the Inter-hall Games, I had at least one thing to praise and thank God for everyday--the prayer answered.

I asked the LORD why? Why did it pleased Him to answer this particular unsignificant prayer? And He said to strengthen your faith, My dear child, so you would learn of My faithfulness; and because it pleases Me that you prayed it for My Name's sake.

That is why I am sharring this with you, just as I have with many durring and after the games, not to boast of my prayer being answered, but to boast of His doing, compassion and faithfulness.
The dear LORD Jesus Christ is GOD of the skies, and God of the heart.

Trial and Error

2010-05-03T23:37:00.002+08:00

I have fell hard, cried; what is left is to get back up again.

"Surely it was for my benefit
that I suffered such anguish.
In Your love you kept me
from the pit of destruction;
you have put all my sins behind Your back.

For the grave cannot praise you,
death cannot sing Your praise;
those who go down to the pit
cannot hope for Your faithfulness.

The living, the living--they praise you,
as I am doing today..."

Isaiah 38:17-19

The Inter Hall Games

2010-01-06T15:39:00.009+08:00

NUS IHG 0910 has begun!!!

Click the here or the logo to enter IHG 0910 website

Hhaha it strated yesterday with tennis. The weather was terrific! Imagine it rained everyday right up to yesterday, the day the games begun. The LORD is graciously good! As usual ^^

I was about to complain about the heat again today, but you don't complain about what you asked hahaha...

First day of games is a bit of a bigger challenge for us than we anticipated, but nothing really big that could go wrong went wrong, so yay! The LORD is good to us.

Just one problem...

We have a website on which live updates on the games results could be found...but the website could not be detected on search engines. -.-

So before we could fix that, lets just be more creative huh? :p

So dear NUS hallers, here's the link http://community.nus.edu.sg/ihg

Christmas Time! ^^

2009-12-26T16:14:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! May this Christmas bring added bonus to your relationship with Christ =) It certainly had to mine.

Regretfully I couldn't return to KL to meet friends and family there (sorry dearest loved ones)... 'Couldn't or wouldn't? That is the question'
Haha
Well, deciding to cut down my 14 days of true holiday with my parents (after all the activities in Hall) in exchange for time spent with you all shouldn't be too hard to do as I really do miss you, but at the early stage of leaving an empty nest (again :p) for my parents, I would really rather spend all 14 days (even more if permitted) tagging along with them and not go anywhere else. I'm sure you would understand.
But believe me, I'm missing some of you too much to keep away for much longer, so I pray we'll meet soon =)

I spent Christmas travelling with my parents in the South of the country, visiting all the village churches to celebrate Christmas with them. That would mean having Holy communion everyday for 5 consecutive days! haha.. The weather was, as usual these days, often raining, but sunny otherwise. Oh the stars in the villages! I could see the Milky Way ^^. The starry-ness in the villages will not stay the same for long, as all of them have electricity supply now, either from a town nearby, or from a solar station. But for now, the nights remains free of artificial light when it is sleeping time, and the stars can still have thier stage. =)

NUS Semester 1 results was released on the 22nd of Dec this year...a sad day for me.
I'm ashamed, but I want to let it be known here so that pretense will not be an option for me (pretending that all is well and carrying on with no improvement), and more importantly that I may have your prayers:
I failed a Math which is a compulsory module (compulsory for my majoring in Physics). It's implications are many, survivable but many. Do pray for me, pray that I will be deligent in learning my lessons. =)

My parents are the greatest channels of blessings the LORD placed in my life! The blessings come in the form of advice, support, correction, and comfort. They do the most unexpected, and you are reminded that they do so because that is what the LORD does for you.

I'm back in Singapore now, arrived 3 hours ago from writing this sentence ^^.

Christmas presents from my parents: New shoes for floorball (love it) Blanket (love it! ^^) and a brand new guitar! (love it love it!)

I get presents not because it is Christmas, but because Chrsitmas seem like a good excuse for (in reverse order) the stuff thay want to get me, the stuff they want to give me, and the stuff I want to get! haha

Oh! oh! you should see my old shoes they both turn chrocodile on me on the same day and for all ball practices after that I amuse everyone by showing them the panda eyes on my socks peeping out from my shoes...Bye bye shoes! :p

Thanks for stopping by, next time perhaps I'll explain more of what Hall is about =)

Happy New Year!

Bitter Sweet Homecoming and a brief filler

2009-09-25T00:06:00.003+08:00

Dear loved ones,

Sorry I have abandoned my 'broadcast chanel' for so long. If I were to write deligently, I would have wrote for you about at least 3 things, no 4.

1. How Malaysian Student League (MSL) and the orientation program (UFO) rocks, about my group Lou-Po-Beng! and the crazy stuff we do together.

2. How the people of King Edward VII Hall (KE 7) rocks! and how my seniors here made us feel right at home, and share everything with us including thier hard work on the beautiful float. Rag day was memorable! Spending the night at the field, sharring the joy when we won, sharring the tears when it's over. Thank you for sharring it with us. :)

3. How the Malaysian freshmen of KE 7 pulled off Malaysia Night 2009. We almost gave our seniors a heart-attack haha.

4. How life in SG has been, how the elevators are faster, the cars stopped for you to cross and the people say 'zai!' instead of 'geng!' or 'cun!' Haha but it's not preferable, it's just different, like how you would love both chocolate and vannila ice-cream.

I know it's not very satisfying giving you briefs like this, but at least now my facebook pics and tags would make more sense :)

~

Had my recess break this week. Going home was bitter sweet cos my dog Shawny died last week. My dad misses him most, it was the his loyal follower. The news was a shock to me. We forget and still call his name sometimes.

But going home is always good, parents are the happiest when children go home. The durian was a bonus ^^

Once we leave home, it will never be the same again...but it need not be the same to remain a home. Home is wherever your love ones is...just remember to send your love home ;)

Tales of a Durian Smuggler

2009-09-24T19:36:00.010+08:00

Ever tried transporting the infamous 'king of fruits' across borders through public transport? I just did.

My home is 7 hours coach ride, half an hour train ride, and 15 mins bus ride (with the agonising traffic jam included) away from school. My hyprocytic empathy goes to all who crossed paths with me.

It all started with the durian feast at home...mmMmmMm. I don't care what non-fans may say, but for me durian is luxury food, plus it has a tag that says 'home' on it. When it was time to leave, my mom thought how nice it would be to bring a piece of home to my sister who is also in SG, so she packed it tupperwares and a wrapped thme up in plastic bags, and I put them in my zip-up bag.

If only home could smell less...strong.

The coach ride wasn't that bad...i think. I only had to spray fragrantless deoderant whenever we had a toilet pit stop and no one else is in the coach to discover who the culprit was. The deoderant was more an act to sooth my conscience than of any practical use. No one complained as far as I can tell, not even the nice Cantonese speaking Indian lady seating beside me, so maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. But the bunch of young people did stayed off the coach during the pit stop until it was just about to leave...hmmm. Well thanks to the vidoes, no one seemed to notice anything.

And so things was okie...until I arrive in Singapore. Amazingly no one at the customes made a fuss. Then came the first bus ride. That was easy, just stuff the bag under your seat, sit still and will the smell not to come out. Yah right, like that would work.

Hey who knows, maybe no one would even notice. Oh but the auntie who sat next to me shifted herself to the seat across the aisle. Then she look at me and smile a kind, heartfelt smile. O..kie. No, I don't know what to think either.

Four bus stops later, I was at the MRT station. Great it's open air I can safely inspect my bag without drawing the entire city's attention to myself. By now the entire contents of my bag smells of stale fruit.

Great. More deoderent. Hope for the best.

Never in my life had I dreaded the smell of durian so much, nor was I ever so grateful for every wraft of occasional perfume from an MRT passenger. You know, the smell of durian must either be very strong or non-existant to be pleasant; anything in between is just...pungent.

When i sat down and did that stuff-the-bag-under-with-all-your-wishful-hopes trick again, I caught the uncle on the opposite row looking at me. It wasn't an annoyed look, wasn't an angry look, not even a...you know...look. It was just a long look.

A wraft of the smell, then train intercomm announces, 'If you see any suspicious person...or article...'

There were many times when out of habit I would whisper, 'Lord, please let the smell not come out.'

I could almost hear Him say, 'But I designed it to smell.'

The criminal is now in her room, having dinner, waiting for her laundry to smell good again.

She sincerely apologises to the half of SG who is probably cursing her right now. She would NEVER EVER recommend it to anyone much less herself to try it again, but if anyone were to join her in her shameless stunt for the same purpose, let me tell you that the rewards will be sweet. ^^ Imagine her sister's delight when she presents her with a piece from home!

Just one catch...it still takes a bus ride to get to my sis's.

The 15th-Mile Chapel

2009-07-08T15:17:00.005+08:00

Mist in a valley, fresh and green
Chirps and twits how sweet they sing
Smooth as cream is the cool, damp air
Twinkle twinkle goes Nature's funfair

Chicken, chicks and butterflies
Baby blues of clear blue skies
Shiny as black coal is the household pet
Woe it has white toes, still hunter of rats

Cool be the floor, warm is the spread
Coziness is tea and of needs taken cared
Merry is news of loved ones, and from
Even merrier the hymns of sunshine after storm

Words we speak, off the tongue they roll
Language of companionship, language of the soul
Remember them, remember, less come another day,
I forget how they are said, then dismay, dismay.

Final Days at Home

2009-07-08T14:50:00.005+08:00

I'm leaving home for Singapore next Monday. Wish I could bring home with me.
Funny how when preparing to go to KL, I can't wait to see the world; now I wish I could stay in my shell. :)

I'm excited though, to be moving from 7 hours to just 20 minutes away from my sister hehehehehe...

For Malaysians who are moving to Singapore, I was just told that it's okie to bring your rice cooker, iron, charger ect from home, the power supply shouldn't be posing any problems for you.

I'm still packing, packing my luggages as well as pieces of my heart (so melodramatic haha). I am more attached to home then I think I am.

My parents have been sighing a lot lately...I'm the last to leave home and they are feeling the empty nest syndrome. ;) Good thing my 2nd sister is coming home soon.

My brother thinks of coming home to see me off...very sweet of him, I do miss him. I would have gladly go meet him in KL if I could drive there...then no need to worry about packing as if I'm bringing the whole house, and can go visit my friends and family in Christ in KL...only downside is spending a few days less at home...and laundry to do as soon as I arrie in Singapore...which is why I shall wait for him to come despite his busy schedule. Haha

You know Ko if you are reading my blog, too bad you have a spoiled kid for a sister...that would be partly your fault for spoiling me ^^

The Decision to NUS

2009-07-08T12:22:00.011+08:00

Just want to share with you a little something aquired during this recent struggle in decision making.

The night before USM's registeration day, I pleaded with the Lord for peace, assurance and sign that He is with me in the decision to let USM go. Sometimes answers don't come to fit exactly the question we asked, but it comes with the lesson of what we should be asking.
I pleaded like Jacob, ' Lord I won't stop until I have your blessing.'

I was studying the book A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado, lent to me by my sister, and They Found The Secret by V. Raymond Edman. My lesson to learn was this: Selfishness vs Christ-ishness.

Luke 18 and 19 has many exmples we can learn from in this lesson. Do I value Christ more then my desires? Is He in the centre of my life or in the sidelines, e.g. backup plan?

Zachaeus was aching to know this Christ Jesus person. When he, a despised sinner, was shown mercy, he readily gave up his wealth, because his worth now is in Christ. And Jesus said to him, 'Today salvation has come to this house, because this man too is a son of [faith].' Unlike him, the rich ruler, when told to ' sell everything...and follow me,' became sad. He loved his wealth more than Christ.

My dad was saying the previous day over the breakfast table, only when we are willing to let go of everything in exchange for Christ can we be fit to serve, because if we still keep something, we will want to add more to it. Give up everything, and we will have nothing to add to for ourselves, and nothing to obstruct our efficiency in Christ.

"Sell everything...and follow Me...and you will have treasure in heaven"

I have a bulk of wealth...my wealth was selfish ambition.
It bacame a wall that I built, making it hard to hear from God. See Lord Jesus Christ is always knocking, always listening, always inviting; if we can't hear Him, it's because we built a wall.

I came to see that selfishness was the sorce of many of my problems while in KL. Seeking to get praised, seeking to fit in, seeking to stand out. Always me me me and not Him.
No wonder the wall felt so...so...thick. Suffocatingly thick.

"The LORD is my good shepherd, I shall not want."

I shall not want. If I don't come to understand this, I am in danger of holding the wrong rope in high seas. So I see that is what a struggle is about, letting go of the sinking raft before grapping a hold of Christ's lifeline.

Only when I let go did the promise came...oh sweet promises of God!

"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalms 37:4

The desires of my heart! God wants to give me the desires of my heart!
Imagine being told you will given that i-phone you wanted, or a new ride good enough to turn all the ladies heads!

Wait, isn't desires exactly what we are against right now?
Ah~but here is the difference: This desire arises from the desire to serve Him (well urm, all the best trying to fit i-phones and Bumblebee rides into a plausible God-serving plan) Plus, if He took them away later on you won't sulk (which I learn during the scholarship struggle :) ), because they are not the point, He is. "Delight yourself in the LORD..." Christ-ishness is the secret key to unlocking this promise.

Ultimately my desire is to be given a role in fulfilling Christ's grand masterplan, I don't want to be left out :)

A friend asked me how I made the decision to go to NUS. Well I didn't tell my friend how many times I doubt that decision, I just tell him God led me to discover how the programme srtucture in NUS fits what I wanted, what He put in my mind since pre-u days. I believe He is giving me the desire of my heart.

I could be wrong, but the heck with it, cos when the time comes, there will be new struggles, and with it comes new blessings, new promises, new mercies. Praise be to God!

No scholarship for me

2009-07-01T18:24:00.010+08:00

So I went for the interview on 16th June 2009...very nice people, they let me do all the talking :p...and I was told that the results of the interview will be out by the end of June.

I didn't hear anything from them yet this morning, so I decided to email them. The reply came soon after...
'We are sorry to inform you that you are unsuccessful in your Teaching Award application.'
It was almost as if my short of patience resulted in the failure.

It didn't come as a blow...the benefit of having to wait so long is that you have plenty of time to consider all the possibilities and how you would react to each. The flip side though, is that options closes as time pass, so that by the time the waiting is over, and the outcome is unfavourable, you are lost at what to do.
Let me explain.

After the Study-in-Canada is a closed case, I was left with two options (notice my use of pass tense): USM in Penang, and NUS in Singapore. I know I said NUS was God sent, and yes it is God sent in that matter as a means of weaning me off Canada, but in any case I could still be wrong.

So then here were my options:
A. USM-3 years Honours course, a less pretigious school but recently granted APEX status by the government, and the fees is RM240 per year, after incentives, no mistake, RM 240.

B. NUS-4 years Honours course (provided with God's help I survive well), high international rankings, and the fees is about RM 20,000 per year, after taking the Singapore Government's Tuition Grant, not to mention living expenses exculded.

This is when I wish I were a better disciple, cos I don't know what's the right choice to make.

I applied for the scholarship, went for the interview, and the wait started. Meanwhile, last Saturday, the day for USM freshmen to register, arrived. I prayed and prayed, and felt at peace to let it pass. Goodbye USM, I'm headed for NUS!
I closed the door to USM.

And then came the bad news.
It didn't come as a blow, but it came as a sting...hurts a little at first, then get's worse.

Now I have to run to God for balm. :)

Shortlisted for scholarship!

2009-06-09T22:20:00.005+08:00

I applied for a teaching scholarship from Singapore’s Ministry of Education. An email arrived today to say that I have been shortlisted for interview next Tuesday! Hurray! Thank you, Lord! ^^

I had the opportunity to talk to many educators and educators-to-be, who shared their aspirations and spread their ‘educator’s propaganda’ to me. Jee I have never really dreamed of becoming a teacher, honestly didn’t think it would be much of an adventure. But with so many of such encounters, I can’t help but wonder if they were cues from Upstairs. :p

Well, all I know is that I prayed for $$ (jing-jing), hehe… and this scholarship seem like a likely answer.
Trust and obey, right? God put the adventure in me, surely He would provide the outlet too. ;)

Happy Endings

2009-06-09T21:31:00.003+08:00

I was watching the last episode of the comedy series The Nanny on Hallmark last night, and thought, too bad such a good show is coming to an end...*lump in the troat*
I guess we get that too often huh? Well at least I do. I hate endings; as much as I try to be optimistic, sometimes I'd rather be sentimental.

I figure endings are sad because it marks that something good is‘no more’, we want good times to continue forever. But sometimes continuing may give the opposite effect, e.g. turning a good story stale, or something bad comes and ruins it all. So, optimist (like me) will say, endings are good; they will be happy endings if we see them not as an end, but a beginning of something that is as good, or even better: The end of an acting role is the beginning of fresh opportunities, and the end of a decade (…for those who hate growing old…) is the beginning of another, along with its shares of sorrow and laughter.

And then there are those endings to which no amount of optimism can cure…can there be happy endings to those?
Those will become either the worst, or the best endings of all, and it all depends on whether we know the Master of All Endings And Happy Endings. Now that is something to hope for.

Learning to say 'NO'

2009-05-29T21:57:00.004+08:00

Today I said the hardest 'no' I've ever said in 20 years--I've declined the offers of admission from University of Waterloo (UW), Canada.

It wasn't easy. Many tears of struggle came with this. But I've learned to appreciate such tears, because each tear means a blow to the nail that nails the old self to the cross, and with each tear shed I emerge a more mature, more joyful, more obedient disciple.

UW's offers of admission expires by 28th May 2009. I totally forgot (or rather successfully avoided thinking) about it until late last night. Happily for me it was still 28th in Canada until noon today local time. I could just give no response to UW at all, but that would be a lack of professional courtesy, and it also means burning the bridges.

I cried, because declining UW's offers felt like betraying a friend. They offered me everything I wanted (short of a scholarship! Haha..but thank God for that because otherwise I would already be headed there), and yet I'm saying 'no'. I even wrote in the admissions form that 'UW is my first choice!' It is true. UW was the choice of my heart.
But I knew in my head that UW was not the logical choice for 3 reasons: distance, finance, and the shear comparison of UW to National University of Singapore (NUS), to which I have also be offered admission. (I know...what have I to complain about, right?) NUS is closer to home, next door to my sister, has more flexible interdisciplinary programs which I prefer, offers better financial aid, and even has higher QS rankings! To any other, these and others would be indications of the Lord's blessings. But I couldn't help but think, 'Hey, the Lord could really be opening doors to UW, just that I missed the signs by rationalising!'
But no, NUS is God sent. UW wasn't even an option! The only trouble left was to convince my heart the same..that is where tears come in.

So I did what the Lord gave us instructions to do when in doubt: ask. In times like this I always like to listen to words spoken by the Lord Jesus Himself, so I flipped to the Gospels, and landed in Matthew 7. Ask, seek, and knock. Our Father gives good gifts! Then at an earlier passage: do not worry, 'does the Father not know? Seek ye first the Kingdom of God. Then to an even earlier passage: treasures in heaven. 'For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.'

By then the message was clear. i called UW the university of my heart. What it really represents was the treasure of my heart: the prestige of studying (literally) overseas in a western school. It was not the lost of what UW is and NUS is not that I mourned for, because that I could live with, but the lost of servitude to my pride.

The Bible said:
"No one can serve two masters...he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and [Pride]."
Matthew 6:24

Saying 'no' to UW wasn't saying 'no' to what is good, nor was it rejecting (betraying) UW that I have sincerely grown so fond of. Instead it was saying yes to trusting the Lord's guidance, it was choosing God as Master over Self and Pride, and it-felt-like-victory.

The Bible also said:
"The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness, how great is that darkness!"
Matthew 6:22-23

I asked to understand His purpose behind this, something that doubles as a confirmation that UW is not for me, and I got it! You see, He meant this to be a lesson to me. So now that my heart is won, my 'eyes are good', and my 'body full of light', I am filled with joy!

I still hope perhaps someday to go to UW, since I succeeded in not burning the bridges by preserving my reputation for good professional courtesy...ehem. And plus! NUS has exchange programs and summer programs to UW, much to my delight. So yeah, perhaps someday I will go, but only if the Lord thinks me fit for the treat. ;)