The night before USM's registeration day, I pleaded with the Lord for peace, assurance and sign that He is with me in the decision to let USM go. Sometimes answers don't come to fit exactly the question we asked, but it comes with the lesson of what we should be asking.
I pleaded like Jacob, ' Lord I won't stop until I have your blessing.'
I was studying the book A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado, lent to me by my sister, and They Found The Secret by V. Raymond Edman. My lesson to learn was this: Selfishness vs Christ-ishness.
Luke 18 and 19 has many exmples we can learn from in this lesson. Do I value Christ more then my desires? Is He in the centre of my life or in the sidelines, e.g. backup plan?
Zachaeus was aching to know this Christ Jesus person. When he, a despised sinner, was shown mercy, he readily gave up his wealth, because his worth now is in Christ. And Jesus said to him, 'Today salvation has come to this house, because this man too is a son of [faith].' Unlike him, the rich ruler, when told to ' sell everything...and follow me,' became sad. He loved his wealth more than Christ.
My dad was saying the previous day over the breakfast table, only when we are willing to let go of everything in exchange for Christ can we be fit to serve, because if we still keep something, we will want to add more to it. Give up everything, and we will have nothing to add to for ourselves, and nothing to obstruct our efficiency in Christ.
"Sell everything...and follow Me...and you will have treasure in heaven"
I have a bulk of wealth...my wealth was selfish ambition.
It bacame a wall that I built, making it hard to hear from God. See Lord Jesus Christ is always knocking, always listening, always inviting; if we can't hear Him, it's because we built a wall.
I came to see that selfishness was the sorce of many of my problems while in KL. Seeking to get praised, seeking to fit in, seeking to stand out. Always me me me and not Him.
No wonder the wall felt so...so...thick. Suffocatingly thick.
"The LORD is my good shepherd, I shall not want."
I shall not want. If I don't come to understand this, I am in danger of holding the wrong rope in high seas. So I see that is what a struggle is about, letting go of the sinking raft before grapping a hold of Christ's lifeline.
Only when I let go did the promise came...oh sweet promises of God!
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart" -Psalms 37:4
The desires of my heart! God wants to give me the desires of my heart!
Imagine being told you will given that i-phone you wanted, or a new ride good enough to turn all the ladies heads!
Wait, isn't desires exactly what we are against right now?
Ah~but here is the difference: This desire arises from the desire to serve Him (well urm, all the best trying to fit i-phones and Bumblebee rides into a plausible God-serving plan) Plus, if He took them away later on you won't sulk (which I learn during the scholarship struggle :) ), because they are not the point, He is. "Delight yourself in the LORD..." Christ-ishness is the secret key to unlocking this promise.
Ultimately my desire is to be given a role in fulfilling Christ's grand masterplan, I don't want to be left out :)
A friend asked me how I made the decision to go to NUS. Well I didn't tell my friend how many times I doubt that decision, I just tell him God led me to discover how the programme srtucture in NUS fits what I wanted, what He put in my mind since pre-u days. I believe He is giving me the desire of my heart.
I could be wrong, but the heck with it, cos when the time comes, there will be new struggles, and with it comes new blessings, new promises, new mercies. Praise be to God!
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